Eeeeee, Gads!

Time flies!  It has already been almost 2 weeks since my last post (OK, I wrote that sentence 3 weeks ago and then stopped).  So NOW  it has been 5 weeks since my last mini-post from my Blackberry.

Words are a horribly inferior tool when trying to communicate the most important things in life, so that is probably part of the reason I've been avoiding committing words to my blog these days.  I think Albert Einstein had a pretty good grasp of this frustrating predicament when he proclaimed, "Imagination is more important than knowledge.  Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."  Good ol' Albert.  

I think one must apply a lot of imagination and throw logic and practical knowledge out the window when gallivanting around in this crazy world of TSM.

Anyone who has read even just a handful of my posts can tell that my TSM journey has been a rocky one.  And this moment in time isn't any different, other than the jubilant fact that I'm dwelling in the "cured" zone....for now.

Let me back up for a moment.  A  month ago I scheduled minor surgery and because of this I needed naltrexone out of my system.  For those of you who don't know naltrexone is classified as a pure opiate antagonist.  This means that it blocks and reverses the physical effects of drugs such as morphine, codeine, and other drugs classified as narcotics. So if I were to go skipping into the hospital on naltrexone, the lovely opiate elixir slipping into my arm via IV would be rendered useless.

I read what seemed to be legitimate knowledge from a physician that one needs to stop taking naltrexone 72 hours prior to surgery.  I'm a bit cautious, so I decided to give it 10 days just in case I happened to be a freak of nature.  This also meant cutting out the booze unless I dare go down the insane road of drinking again without naltrexone.  "No way" said one of the more saner little voices in my head.  This is what happened....

....I welled up with fear and I was very scared—scared like a child in the dark with a monster lurking under the bed.  S-C-A-R-E-D!!!  But BIG quickly evaporated into SMALL when I found that I not only could easily forgo alcohol, but I had absolutely no desire to drink any.  There wasn't even one tiny molecule in my body desiring a drink.  I found this delightful, but equally bizarre, as well.

After surgery the hospital sent me home with some happy pills, so I was left with the decision--do I take the painkillers and assuage my pain or do I put up with the pain, take my naltrexone and settle into the couch with a nice glass or two or three or four of wine?  I chose the pain pills—partly because of the pain and partly because I also enjoy painkillers (sad, but true). 

Cut to the present—surgery was 2 weeks ago, my pain is gone and so is my Percocet, sooooo I can start drinking again, but here's the funny thing,  I simply don't want to!  I'm now left with a bagful of neurotic questions:  when will I drink?  when will I want to drink?  When I finally do drink, will I jump back into it on a daily basis again?  I have no answers to these questions, but I think I am starting to understand what's happening....

....A cured TSMer said something to me a little while ago that has stuck on me like glue.  He said, "TSM isn't the panacea that we all hope it to be".  I've also heard more than one TSM expert say that individuals that make it to a cured state are "highly motivated".  I think I realized this on my own awhile ago, but largely chose to ignore it because who wants to do any real work?  Besides, Eskapa's book says right on the cover, "Drink Your Way Sober Without Willpower, Abstinence or Discomfort".  I truly wanted to believe this, but it simply is rubbish (at least for me)—I DID and DO need willpower!  He is right about the "without discomfort" because more accurately it is more like torment and hellish agony.

I've been doing TSM since January 2010 and I thought I was highly motivated, but more truthfully, I was highly excited about this little magic pill doing all the magic.  But deep down I knew I needed to do more if this process was going to work, even Eskapa encourages positive activities as part of the TSM protocol.  I made token efforts, but nothing substantial.

I finally stepped out of my comfort zone, tired of the merry-go-round and added "eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR for short) which is a complex psychological methodology which accelerates the treatment of a wide range of pathologies and self-esteem issues related to upsetting past events etc. (whew, that's a mouthful!).  I found a few studies that said it helps people with addictions and that was enough to convince me to try it.

I think taking this step and making my first EMDR appointment  was very symbolic for me;  it made me realize that I really do care about myself and taking this step was a big missing ingredient in my TSM journey—it was like I was trying to make an apple pie without the apples.  Addictions are like a huge snarly, tangled, twisted, perplexing, complex hairball that not only require, but demand in a shrieking voice that we do more than just take a pill to get rid of them.  Just think, it only took me 10 long and often painful months to figure this out!

Of course, I know only time will tell, but right now I'm feeling pretty cured.  Since November 5th up until last night I was abstinent.  Last night I had (literally) 4 ounces of red wine after dinner.  I didn't even really want it, but I've just been so curious how I would react once I had that jewel colored liquid on my lips.  Would I desire the entire bottle?  It was enjoyable, but not earth shattering and after it was gone I was off to something else.  Edgar Cayce said "healing rests upon having an ideal and purpose for wanting to get well" and I think he's 100% right.