"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."--John Quincy Adams
It seems no matter how much I bargain with the devil, dally with my dosage, or pray for a speedy recovery, TSM will take its own sweet time and that's that! After upping my dose to 100 mg for 7 days and noticing immediate results, I'm just as quickly scaling back to 50mg again. Why? Because I noticed the medication lingered in my system the next day, causing an uncomfortable foggy malaise (in other words, it didn't metabolize out of my system quickly). It may have brought my units down, but at too heavy of a price.
Pharmacological extinction is a process by which addictions are unlearned (extinguished) and this isn't a quick fix; it's also largely like a magic show--the real work going on in your brain is behind the curtain. Yes, a lucky few get cured in 3 to 4 months, but the majority of us will be on this journey for a much longer time. Why, why, why do I keep forgetting this? Not to mention, watching my consumption of alcohol on a daily basis is like watching a disastrous haircut grow out--it's a whopping pain in the ass!
Speaking of pain, the pronounced and confused pain I am hearing over at the TSM forum sounds like a group of howling banshees. Everyone seems to be clinging to a very thin thread, asking the same questions over and over, desperately seeking reassurance. We are haunted on a regular basis by the the bone-chilling thought, "what if this doesn't work for me?" We are undermined by skeptical loved ones, sabotaged by our own insecurities, and threatened by our fickle and fluctuating units. What we all need to do is deceptively simple, so we resist it and often forget it, but we shouldn't-- just chill and take our pill....and that is all, end of story.
When I do the opposite of chill, i.e., panic, I end up ignoring and often discarding my biggest achievement, which is my improved and ever evolving relationship with alcohol (very little craving, drinking slowly, forgetting alcohol is in my glass, and being able to stop before I polish off everything in the house). These achievements are huge and were next to impossible pre-TSM, but they get old fast and I grow impatient for more. SO, I'm going to take another chill pill and I recommend all my fellow TSMers who are in the panic zone do the same.
Here's to small victories and being prepared for a lengthy journey which demands much patience and many changes of underwear along the way.
Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 21: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units •
Everyday Fabulousness
CIGGY
Unfortunate Umbles
YogaRemedy
2 comments:
ToxicGirl, you rock! I have been regularly reading your blog since I began TSM in April. I have experienced the same feelings and thoughts - but I simply LOVE the manner in which you express yourself. So eloquently and to the point, all with a good twist of humor (sometimes even dark).
Keep it up and thank you for being an inspiration to me as well as providing some very good nuggets of wisdom and comic relief along the way...
-S
100mg sounds like the right dosage for you, and the mental fog is no fun, but it's worth it to get the benefit. Soon enough you won't be drinking every day, and possibly a lower dose would work after a full cure is effected.
It appears that I am cured, after six months. If it takes longer for you, that will be hard for you personally, but also empower you to help others who take a long time. And that support is critical. And you know how to deliver it in a comforting and fun way; that's pure gold.
You have made my ride easier, TG, and we're just getting warmed up! Rock n Roll!
Your friend,
Ben
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