Week 20: Lying

This might blow my integrity with some of you, but I have to be honest, I desperately wanted to lie to you this week because my cup runneth over with shame.  I said I was going to attempt a few AF days this week and not one made an appearance, in fact, I ran in the other direction and drank a full bottle of champagne every single night this week and no, I didn't happen to attend many weddings.   It's hard to admit this and I've been swirling down the shame spiral all week, so in my desperation, lying was the first thing that popped into my frantic head.  BUT I stopped myself before the damage begun, and like the kid who gets in trouble and has to stand in front of the class and apologize, I'm coming clean.

I don't want anyone to doubt TSM because of my champagne extravaganza.  I'm very, very stubborn and set in my ways and although alcohol does not beckon me like it used to, I'm simply not giving it up.  Every night this week, I drank half the bottle as slowly as a nun and then I decided to finish the bottle before bed.  I'm letting my fear, my laziness, my habit rule the roost and it has got to stop, I just don't know when this will happen or when I'll want it to happen.

I also have to admit, I'm not trying at all (as if I need to point this out).  It's like there's a feather on the ground and I think it's too heavy to pick up.  I feel like calling myself every name in the book, but I'll settle for moron; I choose this because Dictionary.com says, "an idiot  is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years who is notably stupid or lacking in good judgment."  Perfect!

A humongous part of me is hoping (demanding) that I'll have one of those light switch moments where I go, "ick! I don't want champagne, give me a Dr. Pepper and be quick about it."  I want it to be effortless, like putting my socks on in the morning.  I don't want to feel even the tinniest twinge of discomfort (I must insert "moron" again here).  This light switch thingy may never occurr or if it does, TSM may take longer than it really should.  It's like dieting—I can starve and lose 5 lbs. a week or I can eliminate the dinner roll and lose 10 lbs. in a year.  I prefer the latter.

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 20:  18units •  32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units •  34units, 1 AF day. •   42units •  44units • 39 units • 42units   • 35.5units  •  37units  • 31units  • 35units  • 38units • 49units • 49units •