Week 18: The Girl Who Cried Wolf

JUST when I start to feel next to normal and want to shout out, "I'm cured, I'm cured!" I suck down an entire bottle of wine again.  I then question everything and put great effort into trying not to feel like a failure and a loser.

I'm amazed at the people over at the TSM forum who announce they are "cured" after a few months.  Let me put it more honestly: yes, I'm amazed, but my amazement is smothered in a thick layer of jealousy. Yet, unlike this newly cured group, I don't think I'm the type that will be declaring curedom until I spend many months dwelling in mostly abstinence without effort and get through every button pushing, trigger raising, stress inducing situation without uncorking the bottle. Once all of this takes place, I will dance on a table top and wear a t-shirt that says "shackled no more by the evil elixir!...or something of that nature.  The mind is a vast, stubborn, and mysterious arena, so this could take years.

Even though my name still remains off the "cured" list and I'm drinking a little too much from time to time, my progress is palpable and I'm becoming a different person even though it is all shades of gray.  Week 18 was mostly filled with 4 and 5 unit nights and then a few full bottle nights.  My ability to leave alcohol untouched in the house is still the most miraculous gift and not having my first drink until 8pm sometimes is truly amazing to me.  TSM works, it just doesn't cooperate nor follow the path we would like it to take (anything worth anything isn't a straight, narrow, and neat path anyway, right?)

As promised, I'm trying to be hyper aware of my feelings and cravings.  What can I tell you?  I didn't have a desperate, aching desire to get to the bottle this week, but certainly looked forward to drinking every night.  Overall, I'm drinking much more slowly and regardless of my mood, I'm not turning to alcohol as the quickie answer to stress, boredom, fear, etc. I'm very attached to my dear old friend, champagne, for sure, but my feelings for him are much more tame these days and for this, I am very thankful.  And onward I go!

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 18:  18units •  32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units •  34units, 1 AF day. •   42units •  44units • 39 units • 42units   • 35.5units  •  37units  • 31units  • 35units  • 38units