Deception is So Easy

An alcoholic's ability to deceive herself should be applauded on a grand scale just for the absurdity aspect alone.  I'm committed to getting well, and devoted to keeping accurate records, yet this loony person that dwells inside me is always trying to mess with the units.  Let's get this out of the way right now, I had 4 units of champagne last night, not 2, not 3.5, but I tried to turn it into 3.5 because I sort of left a tiny bit in the glass before retiring to bed.  I do this for an obvious reason--to feel better about myself, but it's tomfoolery and I know it.  It's like a man who gets a blow job (is this one word or two?) from a co-worker and doesn't think he's cheated on his wife because they didn't have sex--MAJOR tomfoolery.  I do this frequently, not give blow jobs to co-workers, but canoodle my alcohol units in my head, luckily when my units make it to paper I record them like a lab technician, very accurately. 

The bottom line, I should feel good about myself or the very least, accept myself, no-matter-what; after all, feeling bad about myself is part of what got me into this alcoholic jungle to begin with!  Deception aside, I'm glad I only had 4 units last night, but the perfectionist in me always wants it to be less.  But I repeat, I'm happy about the 4 units!  More importantly, however, I am happy about the "relationship" to the drink.  I had 2 units while making dinner and really had enough, but habit had me pour 2 more which was quickly upstaged by a delicious, rustic French boule that I had bought at the market.  I kept slicing and eating bits of it as I cooked and there my lonely glass of champagne remained, pushed to the back corner of my tiny kitchen counter and largely ignored.  I contemplated pouring it back into the bottle, but then I decided to slowly drink it throughout the meal.  I've now had several days of "normal" type drinking which makes me want to sing through the streets, but again, I shall remain as calm and steady as a meditating monk and get on with my day.  I also plan to actively  start liking myself more and beating myself up less (let's see how long that sticks). 

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Week 1:  18units • Week 2:  32units • Week: 3:  39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6:  25units • Week 7:  27units • Week 8:  28units • Week 9:  34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10:  42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12:  39 • Week 13:  42   • Week 14: 35.5