It Might be a Magical Pill, but You'v Got to Believe.

©2011 Amy Luwis

It's been a year since my last post which might be some kind of internet record for time-in-between posts, but I hardly visit blogs, so I could be wildly mistaken.  In my mind, I had abandoned my blog for various reasons never to return—mainly because I felt that I had said all that I could say on the subject of TSM and my experiences with it.  But after another year's adventure, I felt the need to write a wee bit more....

Last December's "cured" state was short lived.  As the months rolled on, my drinking sadly and predictably slowly increased.  I was back to drinking every single night and the only consolation was the fact that I wasn't polishing off a whole bottle of wine like I did in the old days...TSM progress?  I continued this pattern with little fanfare, dutifully popping my naltrexone, waiting an hour (many times only 30 minutes), and then drinking.  This continued until July 2011 when once again, a serious physical issue forced me to take a closer look at what alcohol was doing to my body.  I had a choice, continue to drink for that short-lived buzz, quickly followed by overeating, fatigue, and depression OR stop drinking and heal my body and avoid surgery.  I chose the latter or rather it chose me because I did not want surgery.

Once again, like my last self-imposed abstinence, I felt myself crippled with fear with the thought of not having a wine glass welded to my hand by 6pm every night.  And just like last time, this fear was hugely inaccurate.  I simply started, 6pm rolled around, I stared into the abyss, and then made myself a cup of green tea and never looked back.  It's now been about 5 months without any alcohol.

I have to admit that I was pretty down on TSM this past year.  I felt abandoned, betrayed, duped, and angry.  And just when I was finally ready to throw in the towel and declare TSM a load of hooey....it starts to work!  Lo' and behold through the months of TSM twists and turns, mini miracles, confusion, rage, and setbacks...all along I guess that pink little pill was tinkering in my brain and doing its job.  I say this with 90% confidence because who know where I will be in another year?  All I know is the "right now", and right now not drinking is effortless—I could take it or leave it—as all fellow alcoholics know, THIS IS HUGE. 

The biggest reason I believe TSM is working for me is simply because stopping drinking was so effortless and not drinking is also effortless.  I've also been through many triggers, from stress to funerals to close proximity to hotel mini bars and these too have been easy to breeze through.  I could not say this pre-TSM whenever I abstained.  Abstaining before "enrolling" in TSM was coupled with extreme WANT.  I'd sit and watch others drink with such longing in my heart and eyes (think Puss with the big eyes in the Shrek movie series) and I thought, "how am I going to get through a lifetime of mini torture sessions? I'm bound to blow torch someone very soon."

So there you go, for now I'm 5 months sober, my health has greatly improved, and I don't miss alcohol.  I repeat, I don't miss alcohol which is absolutely freakin' awesome!  As I type, I have 4 bottles of wine sitting on my coffee table (a gift from in-laws) which would normally be a temptation too hard to resist, but they sit there like a neglected senior citizen in a home.  I don't want anything to do with them....for now. 

To all my dear fellow alcoholically challenged friends out there in this mysterious, frustrating universe—don't give up, don't ever give up.  Happy 2012!  I'll keep you posted!

Eeeeee, Gads!

Time flies!  It has already been almost 2 weeks since my last post (OK, I wrote that sentence 3 weeks ago and then stopped).  So NOW  it has been 5 weeks since my last mini-post from my Blackberry.

Words are a horribly inferior tool when trying to communicate the most important things in life, so that is probably part of the reason I've been avoiding committing words to my blog these days.  I think Albert Einstein had a pretty good grasp of this frustrating predicament when he proclaimed, "Imagination is more important than knowledge.  Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."  Good ol' Albert.  

I think one must apply a lot of imagination and throw logic and practical knowledge out the window when gallivanting around in this crazy world of TSM.

Anyone who has read even just a handful of my posts can tell that my TSM journey has been a rocky one.  And this moment in time isn't any different, other than the jubilant fact that I'm dwelling in the "cured" zone....for now.

Let me back up for a moment.  A  month ago I scheduled minor surgery and because of this I needed naltrexone out of my system.  For those of you who don't know naltrexone is classified as a pure opiate antagonist.  This means that it blocks and reverses the physical effects of drugs such as morphine, codeine, and other drugs classified as narcotics. So if I were to go skipping into the hospital on naltrexone, the lovely opiate elixir slipping into my arm via IV would be rendered useless.

I read what seemed to be legitimate knowledge from a physician that one needs to stop taking naltrexone 72 hours prior to surgery.  I'm a bit cautious, so I decided to give it 10 days just in case I happened to be a freak of nature.  This also meant cutting out the booze unless I dare go down the insane road of drinking again without naltrexone.  "No way" said one of the more saner little voices in my head.  This is what happened....

....I welled up with fear and I was very scared—scared like a child in the dark with a monster lurking under the bed.  S-C-A-R-E-D!!!  But BIG quickly evaporated into SMALL when I found that I not only could easily forgo alcohol, but I had absolutely no desire to drink any.  There wasn't even one tiny molecule in my body desiring a drink.  I found this delightful, but equally bizarre, as well.

After surgery the hospital sent me home with some happy pills, so I was left with the decision--do I take the painkillers and assuage my pain or do I put up with the pain, take my naltrexone and settle into the couch with a nice glass or two or three or four of wine?  I chose the pain pills—partly because of the pain and partly because I also enjoy painkillers (sad, but true). 

Cut to the present—surgery was 2 weeks ago, my pain is gone and so is my Percocet, sooooo I can start drinking again, but here's the funny thing,  I simply don't want to!  I'm now left with a bagful of neurotic questions:  when will I drink?  when will I want to drink?  When I finally do drink, will I jump back into it on a daily basis again?  I have no answers to these questions, but I think I am starting to understand what's happening....

....A cured TSMer said something to me a little while ago that has stuck on me like glue.  He said, "TSM isn't the panacea that we all hope it to be".  I've also heard more than one TSM expert say that individuals that make it to a cured state are "highly motivated".  I think I realized this on my own awhile ago, but largely chose to ignore it because who wants to do any real work?  Besides, Eskapa's book says right on the cover, "Drink Your Way Sober Without Willpower, Abstinence or Discomfort".  I truly wanted to believe this, but it simply is rubbish (at least for me)—I DID and DO need willpower!  He is right about the "without discomfort" because more accurately it is more like torment and hellish agony.

I've been doing TSM since January 2010 and I thought I was highly motivated, but more truthfully, I was highly excited about this little magic pill doing all the magic.  But deep down I knew I needed to do more if this process was going to work, even Eskapa encourages positive activities as part of the TSM protocol.  I made token efforts, but nothing substantial.

I finally stepped out of my comfort zone, tired of the merry-go-round and added "eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR for short) which is a complex psychological methodology which accelerates the treatment of a wide range of pathologies and self-esteem issues related to upsetting past events etc. (whew, that's a mouthful!).  I found a few studies that said it helps people with addictions and that was enough to convince me to try it.

I think taking this step and making my first EMDR appointment  was very symbolic for me;  it made me realize that I really do care about myself and taking this step was a big missing ingredient in my TSM journey—it was like I was trying to make an apple pie without the apples.  Addictions are like a huge snarly, tangled, twisted, perplexing, complex hairball that not only require, but demand in a shrieking voice that we do more than just take a pill to get rid of them.  Just think, it only took me 10 long and often painful months to figure this out!

Of course, I know only time will tell, but right now I'm feeling pretty cured.  Since November 5th up until last night I was abstinent.  Last night I had (literally) 4 ounces of red wine after dinner.  I didn't even really want it, but I've just been so curious how I would react once I had that jewel colored liquid on my lips.  Would I desire the entire bottle?  It was enjoyable, but not earth shattering and after it was gone I was off to something else.  Edgar Cayce said "healing rests upon having an ideal and purpose for wanting to get well" and I think he's 100% right.

Posting on an iPhone...

...crazy! Typing on this thing is as frustrating as one of those dreams where you are trying to scream and nothing comes out. But when the mood strikes, it is time to share even if it means typing with one pinky.

For sanity, I needed to take a very long break from myself and this blog. TSM, however, is not something I have taken a break from and never will because it works, but it does not work as quickly as the literature out there says. I am on month 9 for example and I still am not cured, but my drinking is at a civilized level which is thrilling. I am currently on holiday in the UK which prompts me to drink like a Viking, but I have been drinking like a "normal" person (impossible in my pre TSM days). Normal to me--on holiday--is 2 or 3 glasses of wine in the evening and I"ve done this with ease on this trip.

Pinky cramp! More coming soon!

Week 24: Quick Posting for the Dog's Sake

I  just realized that it has been over a week since I've shared my "progress" or more accurately my life in the TSM Twilight Zone, so here I am writing a quickie post because my dog is looking at me with very sincere, intense eyes and she won't let me write for very long when she has walking on her mind.

Tired of counting units,  tired of dealing with alcohol, tired of TSM, tired of being tired of TSM, I forced myself to go AF a few days ago and I do mean forced.  I went away for the weekend and purposefully left my naltrexone all by its lonely self on my kitchen counter.  So when cocktail hour rolled around I had no choice, but to abstain.  If I didn't, I would start to undo the work I've so carefully done on my brain with naltrexone for the past 6 months....not an option.  I had an explosion of panic both nights that felt like an eternity, but alas clocked in at less than 5 minutes and then my brain was on to other things like dinner, doggie belly rubs, and old movies.  I must say I'm surprised how easy it was given my level of fear at the very thought of not having a glass of booze in hand.

The few days prior to my AF days were equally pleasant because I was effortlessly able to stop at 2 or 3 units at dinner.  Of course, just when I start to feel confident the mist of the twilight zone rolls in and my behavior turns its back on my truest desire and deepest need (not to drink!).  Somewhere between day 1 and 7 of week 24, I drank more than a bottle of champagne and stumbled into bed with a nightcap, oh, the misery I can bestow upon myself in the dark hours of the night.  Needless to say, I woke up angry and with the lovely gift of a whopping headache that didn't go away all day long.

Week 25 started yesterday and my AF and low units joy is equally matched with fear and worry that I must beat off with a stick at times.  But it is OK, I'm getting used to it.   My dog, on the other hand could care less, she just wants to go pee on a tree.
Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 24:  18units •  32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units •  34units, 1 AF day. •   42units •  44units • 39 units • 42units   • 35.5units  •  37units  • 31units  • 35units  • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units  • 33units • 30units • 24units

Week 23: Yes? No? Maybe? Sort of.....

I rolled into week 23 with the confidence of a samurai warrior and a string of low unit evenings.  Then for no obvious reason I popped open a bottle of champagne and watched it disappear completely.  It's boiling here in Virginia, so the first few icy cold glasses were a joy, but that is no excuse to guzzle the entire bottle. Where did the nice lady with a 2 drink limit disappear to?  I haven't a clue and clearly she decided to take a mini-holiday because the next 2 nights were filled with almost as much. (actually, I'm not 100% certain about one of these nights because I didn't have access to my handy Pyrex glassware measuring cup which has tallied my units from the beginning).  Luckily, last night I got it back down to a civilized amount (4 units), but this took a little bit of thought and a dash of effort which I didn't mind at all.  I'm actually getting better at the "effort" thing....thank you TSM!

I truly feel like I'm in a deep, immeasurable space--The Sinclair Method abyss--filled with kindred spirits bumping around in the dark experiencing agony, confusion, and brief moments of euphoria.  I'm 23 weeks into TSM, I've had many moments of feeling cured and then the pendulum swings to moments of excessive drinking and I find myself desperately searching for answers or more specifically reassurance.  I'm not alone, we "not-yet-cured" who come in all shapes and sizes, from binge drinkers to daily wine drinkers to strictly bourbon drinkers, are all looking at TSM and wondering, "how does one measure and quantify all of this information and glimmers of different behavior?" 

I walk around all day with TSM floating in my head and my naltrexone safely tucked away in my shiny pill caddy that never leaves my side.  I have no words of wisdom for myself or anyone else, I just know this journey continues like it will for many and where the bus stops, nobody knows.  Actually, here is where I'd like to throw in a registered complaint.  Many people read Dr. Eskapa's brilliant book, The Cure for Alcoholism, and prepare themselves for the short ride of 3-4 months to being cured like it's a trip to the corner candy store.  Maybe this timeline is true for Finns (TSM trials took place in Finland), maybe they are a calm and predictable lot and the rest of the world is a complicated, erratic group of souls.  Whatever the case may be, it doesn't bode well to have this handful of months dangled in front us because we are already a vulnerable and insecure lot.  Many cured TSMers have taken 8 months or more, but even knowing this fact our bubbles burst a little bit when we find ourselves way over the 4 month threshold and are still experiencing alcoholic behavior. 

OK, now that I got that off my chest, I'm rolling up my sleeves for week 24!

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 23:  18units •  32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units •  34units, 1 AF day. •   42units •  44units • 39 units • 42units   • 35.5units  •  37units  • 31units  • 35units  • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units  • 33units • 30units

Week 22: The Cure is Skulking About

It's been a wild few weeks—upping my dose to 100mg, pulverizing it, feeling like a zombie, panic, going back down to 50mg and then, nothing less than a mini miracle...

...A cured TSMer mentioned to me not long ago that he chews his naltrexone and it makes all the difference in the world.  I dismissed this suggestion like I would a Jehovah Witness at my door—quickly and with little doubt or remorse.  But then I thought, I've tried almost everything else, so why not this?  Chewing is not the same as pulverizing (which I did last week then read, it may not be safe . See Post,  Week 21: 100 mg is the Magic Number) and since the pill has a score down the middle which indicates it can be cut in half, I thought, "why not?"  Well, it did indeed, "make all the difference in the world."

The last three nights I've been hanging out with friends and celebrating birthdays which usually means a steady flow of wine and laughter, but something wonderfully strange happened.  I chewed my bitter naltrexone (I couldn't get the bits that stuck in my teeth out fast enough) and never appreciated orange juice so much because it washed the nastiness away pretty quickly.  Five seconds of discomfort was definitely worth what followed—I drank like a normal person--2 units two nights and 1.5 units one night.

Whenever I've introduced effort in this TSM process, I start to worry and obsess about alcohol and scrutinize and question my every move--what makes this any different from my pre-tsm days?  It's a miserable and exhausting place to be in and little else gets accomplished.  So the biggest and best part of these last few days is the fact that my low units took absolutely no effort on my part.  I repeat, absolutely no effort.  In other words, I'd think, "do I want another drink?"  And 100% of me said, "no".

I find myself contemplating shouting this from a rooftop, but I will refrain from this and just jump for glee in my head for now and keep chewing that bitter pill and see where the rest of the week takes me.

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 22:  18units •  32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units •  34units, 1 AF day. •   42units •  44units • 39 units • 42units   • 35.5units  •  37units  • 31units  • 35units  • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units • • 33units

Week 21: Patience, actually, is the Magic Number...

....I know, I know, I've said it before, but I guess I need to say it again.

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."--John Quincy Adams

It seems no matter how much I bargain with the devil, dally with my dosage, or pray for a speedy recovery, TSM will take its own sweet time and that's that!  After upping my dose to 100 mg for 7 days and noticing immediate results, I'm just as quickly scaling back to 50mg again.  Why?  Because I noticed the medication lingered in my system the next day, causing an uncomfortable foggy malaise (in other words, it didn't metabolize out of my system quickly).  It may have brought my units down, but at too heavy of a price.

Pharmacological extinction is a process by which addictions are unlearned (extinguished) and this isn't a quick fix; it's also largely like a magic show--the real work going on in your brain is behind the curtain.  Yes, a lucky few get cured in 3 to 4 months, but the majority of us will be on this journey for a much longer time.  Why, why, why do I keep forgetting this?  Not to mention, watching my consumption of alcohol on a daily basis is like watching a disastrous haircut grow out--it's a whopping pain in the ass!

Speaking of pain, the pronounced and confused pain I am hearing over at the TSM forum sounds like a group of howling banshees.  Everyone seems to be clinging to a very thin thread, asking the same questions over and over, desperately seeking reassurance.  We are haunted on a regular basis by the the bone-chilling thought, "what if this doesn't work for me?"  We are undermined by skeptical loved ones, sabotaged by our own insecurities, and threatened by our fickle and fluctuating units.  What we all need to do is deceptively simple, so we resist it and often forget it, but we shouldn't-- just chill and take our pill....and that is all, end of story.


When I do the opposite of chill, i.e., panic, I end up ignoring and often discarding my biggest achievement, which is my improved and ever evolving relationship with alcohol (very little craving, drinking slowly, forgetting alcohol is in my glass, and being able to stop before I polish off everything in the house).  These achievements are huge and were next to impossible pre-TSM, but they get old fast and I grow impatient for more.  SO, I'm going to take another chill pill and I recommend all my fellow TSMers who are in the panic zone do the same.

Here's to small victories and being prepared for a lengthy journey which demands much patience and many changes of underwear along the way.

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 21:  18units •  32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units •  34units, 1 AF day. •   42units •  44units • 39 units • 42units   • 35.5units  •  37units  • 31units  • 35units  • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units •

Week 21: 100mg is the Magic Number

I'm a few days into week 21, devouring my usual bottle of wine per night, when I just crack and my anger and frustration begins to flow like the BP oil spill.

Week 19 and 20 were bleaker than a Brontë novel and I feel like I would've had just as much success popping a few Chicklets, as I did with my 50mg of naltrexone.

The commonly prescribed dose is 50mg, but let's face it, people often need to tweak their dosage—what's good for one, might not be good for another.  Some people level off at 25mg, some at 50mg, some at 75mg, and so on.  I tried 75mg a while back and it made NO difference, so I went back to 50mg.  I never thought of going up to 100mg until I cracked and I'm glad I did because I'm on day three of 100mg and I think it is the magic number.

I'm like a disciplined nun, OK, not quite, but the last few nights I've sipped and enjoyed 2 units of champagne while making dinner and then 1 unit of red with dinner.  The alcohol had a much bigger effect on me, a few units felt like ten, and after these few drinks, my desire pointed to, "NO MORE!"  I effortlessly switched over to water the rest of the evening (the key word here is, "effortless").  Actually on night number three, alcohol popped into my tired head again around 1.a.m. when I couldn't sleep, so I flipped on a horror film, freaked out (trigger!), and proceeded to have one more unit of red to help me get back to sleep.

Now, I've been around the TSM block way too many times to instantly jump for joy, but I do finally feel like there is something to this 100mg.  I'll keep you posted!

P.S.  I must share—on day one of my newly increased dose, I decided to crush the pills. I did this in an attempt to increase potency. I got this crackerjack idea from Elizabeth Wurtzel of Prozac Nation fame, who opted to pulverize her Ritalin and snort it when swallowing it failed to work its magic (I'll save the snorting for a more desperate time).

I pulled my French mortar and pestle off the shelf, crushed 2 pink pills, carefully poured the powder into an emptied out vitamin capsule and swallowed it like an eager teenager experimenting with her mom's diazepam.
 
I have to admit, I was thrilled with the results. The honeymoon phase was back in full force and I had a renewed desire to only drink a little bit of alcohol.  I then decided to Google "crushing pills potency" and the word "fatal" popped up just a few too many times for my comfort.  Here is what one site said:

Having crushed medicinal pills could have serious, even fatal, consequences, on your health.

Experts estimate that over 80% of people find it convenient to crush tablets into powder before swallowing them. According to the doctors, crushing pills can alter their effect besides affecting the way the drug is released and absorbed in our digestive tract.
 
A lot of medicines available in the form of tablets have a special coating which prevents the chemical inside from coming in contact with the epithelial lining of your stomach. The medicine is meant to pass through your stomach and reach your intestine for absorption. When crushed the medicine comes into the contact with the stomach wall which may lead to a gastric injury and even bleeding.

A number of medicines, the experts warn, are effective when they are released slowly into your digestive tract. For example, anti-diabetic drug Metformin is meant to be released over 24 hours. Crushing of such medicines would lead to their action lasting only for a limited period only.

According to a drug expert, a tablet may have some binding agents and other accessory chemicals, which often are not spread uniformly across a tablet. Thus consuming even half a tablet with the intention of having half the dosage of the medicine may change their effect when consumed individually at two different times. Hence it may be thoroughly wrong to imagine that breaking a tablet into two would reduce its potency by half.

As has been observed most patients who crush tablets before their intake mix them in juice or milk. This may result into undesirable interaction of drug with the liquid. According to the experts, drugs that are not scored or lined from the center must never be crushed under any circumstance.

I was somewhat relieved when I read the last sentence because my naltrexone does indeed have a score mark down the middle, so crushing could potentially be safe, but I'm not going to risk it. I'm going to go back to the time-honored tradition of swallowing my 2 solid pinky-orangey pills and see where that takes me.

Week 20: Lying

This might blow my integrity with some of you, but I have to be honest, I desperately wanted to lie to you this week because my cup runneth over with shame.  I said I was going to attempt a few AF days this week and not one made an appearance, in fact, I ran in the other direction and drank a full bottle of champagne every single night this week and no, I didn't happen to attend many weddings.   It's hard to admit this and I've been swirling down the shame spiral all week, so in my desperation, lying was the first thing that popped into my frantic head.  BUT I stopped myself before the damage begun, and like the kid who gets in trouble and has to stand in front of the class and apologize, I'm coming clean.

I don't want anyone to doubt TSM because of my champagne extravaganza.  I'm very, very stubborn and set in my ways and although alcohol does not beckon me like it used to, I'm simply not giving it up.  Every night this week, I drank half the bottle as slowly as a nun and then I decided to finish the bottle before bed.  I'm letting my fear, my laziness, my habit rule the roost and it has got to stop, I just don't know when this will happen or when I'll want it to happen.

I also have to admit, I'm not trying at all (as if I need to point this out).  It's like there's a feather on the ground and I think it's too heavy to pick up.  I feel like calling myself every name in the book, but I'll settle for moron; I choose this because Dictionary.com says, "an idiot  is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years who is notably stupid or lacking in good judgment."  Perfect!

A humongous part of me is hoping (demanding) that I'll have one of those light switch moments where I go, "ick! I don't want champagne, give me a Dr. Pepper and be quick about it."  I want it to be effortless, like putting my socks on in the morning.  I don't want to feel even the tinniest twinge of discomfort (I must insert "moron" again here).  This light switch thingy may never occurr or if it does, TSM may take longer than it really should.  It's like dieting—I can starve and lose 5 lbs. a week or I can eliminate the dinner roll and lose 10 lbs. in a year.  I prefer the latter.

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 20:  18units •  32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units •  34units, 1 AF day. •   42units •  44units • 39 units • 42units   • 35.5units  •  37units  • 31units  • 35units  • 38units • 49units • 49units •

Week 19: Alcohol Calories--A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

The temperatures are ruthless here in the South and they have no mercy for those of us carrying around extra flesh.  Beer bellies to chunky butts, listen up--the fastest and surest way of getting and staying fat isn't pizza (although that doesn't help) it is alcohol.  I've known this for a long time and I'm sure many of you have known it, too, but when cocktail hour beckons the monster doesn't care if our inner thighs rub together with extra blubber, so we tend to ignore the evil calories lurking in our booze of choice.

Here's some scary, eye-opening science:  "When you drink alcohol, it’s broken down into acetate (basically vinegar), which the body will burn before any other calorie you’ve consumed or stored, including fat or even sugar. So if you drink and consume more calories than you need, you’re more likely to store the fat from the Cheez Whiz you ate and the sugar from the Coke you drank because your body is getting all its energy from the acetate in the beer you sucked down. Further, studies show that alcohol temporarily inhibits “lipid oxidation”— in other words, when alcohol is in your system, it’s harder for your body to burn fat that’s already there.  Fat slips right into your saddlebags, no costume change necessary."--excerpt from Alcohol and Calories: Does Drinking Cause Weight Gain

The painful truth, we must choose between our favorite skinny jeans and those 5 glasses of chardonnay or the six pack abs and our beloved 12 pack of ice cold beer--a strong, lean body and generous alcohol consumption simply don't mix.

Why am I sharing all of this today?  Because in my desperation to lose some weight before I lose my mind, I've been counting calories, not only units, and now I think I might just lose my mind anyway.  In order to lose 1 pound a week (I like to go slow) I should be consuming 1365 calories per day according to my nifty, new friend, "My Fitness Pal" app which I downloaded for free last week.  I've been counting my calories for the past 6 days and every single day, I mysteriously go over by 500 or 600 calories.  Gee, what could it be?  The collards I have growing in my backyard that I eat by the bowl-full?  The brown rice?  The fruit shakes with two small bananas?  Mmmmmmmmm, or maybe the champagne?  A bottle weighs in at around 550 calories....what a coincidence!

I really should be talking cravings and units, so let me jump over to that fun topic for a bit.  This week my physical craving for alcohol continues to be pretty low, but the mechanical habit--hand on glass, glass to mouth, is stubborn and is not going away.  For instance, last night over the course of about 4 hours I drank a bottle of champagne, shy one glass.  It was pretty boring beyond the first glass, so why continue?  I don't know.  Why does anyone do anything?  I simply kept drinking.  It was there.  I was there.  The glass was there.  I had time to kill.

So I've decided to bring in the booze police and set down a rule.  I'm going to attempt, genuinely attempt, for the first time since embarking on TSM to introduce a few alcohol free days and see if this becomes effortless like so many of the cured claim once they've reached a certain level of disinterest in alcohol.  I'm hoping like many things in life, my fears (fear of change, fear of the unknown and so on) are bigger than the object of my fear and I'll be going from a wee bit of initial discomfort and squirming to thinking, "this is SO easy, what was all the fuss about?"  At which point not only will the 1 pound a week start to melt off my thick body, but I'll actually be closer to being cured with a very happy liver, to boot!

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 19:  18units •  32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units •  34units, 1 AF day. •   42units •  44units • 39 units • 42units   • 35.5units  •  37units  • 31units  • 35units  • 38units • 38units

Week 18: The Girl Who Cried Wolf

JUST when I start to feel next to normal and want to shout out, "I'm cured, I'm cured!" I suck down an entire bottle of wine again.  I then question everything and put great effort into trying not to feel like a failure and a loser.

I'm amazed at the people over at the TSM forum who announce they are "cured" after a few months.  Let me put it more honestly: yes, I'm amazed, but my amazement is smothered in a thick layer of jealousy. Yet, unlike this newly cured group, I don't think I'm the type that will be declaring curedom until I spend many months dwelling in mostly abstinence without effort and get through every button pushing, trigger raising, stress inducing situation without uncorking the bottle. Once all of this takes place, I will dance on a table top and wear a t-shirt that says "shackled no more by the evil elixir!...or something of that nature.  The mind is a vast, stubborn, and mysterious arena, so this could take years.

Even though my name still remains off the "cured" list and I'm drinking a little too much from time to time, my progress is palpable and I'm becoming a different person even though it is all shades of gray.  Week 18 was mostly filled with 4 and 5 unit nights and then a few full bottle nights.  My ability to leave alcohol untouched in the house is still the most miraculous gift and not having my first drink until 8pm sometimes is truly amazing to me.  TSM works, it just doesn't cooperate nor follow the path we would like it to take (anything worth anything isn't a straight, narrow, and neat path anyway, right?)

As promised, I'm trying to be hyper aware of my feelings and cravings.  What can I tell you?  I didn't have a desperate, aching desire to get to the bottle this week, but certainly looked forward to drinking every night.  Overall, I'm drinking much more slowly and regardless of my mood, I'm not turning to alcohol as the quickie answer to stress, boredom, fear, etc. I'm very attached to my dear old friend, champagne, for sure, but my feelings for him are much more tame these days and for this, I am very thankful.  And onward I go!

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 18:  18units •  32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units •  34units, 1 AF day. •   42units •  44units • 39 units • 42units   • 35.5units  •  37units  • 31units  • 35units  • 38units

Week 17: Bored to Death

It's hard to believe another week has rolled by and I'm still an alcoholic!  OK, I'm kidding, but this process does get tiring and rather boring.  Anybody else out there tired and/or bored???

I upped my dose to 75mg because I found myself enjoying myself a leeeeeetle too much again and that extra 1/2 pill seems to do the trick.  I went from 8 units to a more manageable 4 units before one could shout "more chardonnay, please!"

I'm so bored that I don't even want to share my boring, boring, boring drinking observations for Week 17, but here's the mini-condensed version anyway, my mind is still occupying itself with a vast cornucopia of thoughts and ideas and alcohol pops in for a visit from time to time,  drinks continue to get upstaged by a nice meal or an exciting portion of a movie.  But like gum on my shoe, I cannot seem to get rid of the glee that I feel when I take that first sip or two and the warmth washes over my body like a hot towel from the dryer.  Ahhh!  My question at this time steadily remains, "HOW will I become an occasional drinker with this wonderful effect remaining intact?"  Who would want to eliminate that element of magic from their daily life?

Because of my bourgeoning boredom, I'm going to ignore TSM today and chitchat about one of my favorite subjects,  FOOD!  I'm in Asian mode at the moment and I recently perfected my Japanese soup base.  I used to swirl some miso in filtered water, add a dash of wine, and seaweed and call it a broth...I should have called it swill.  Well, I recently added fresh grated ginger and a healthy portion of sake and now I think I should win an award.  After assembling the entire soup (soba noodles, enoki & shiitake mushrooms, spring onion, mung bean sprouts, sesame seeds, a sprinkling of cayenne and then pouring my magic broth over the above in individual soup bowls), I served it to my husband who I'm convinced has now put me in a very special category of magical soup chef.

What's also nice about this soup is that you feel wonderful after you eat it because it's loaded with goodness:  Mung bean sprouts are an excellent source of vitamin C and K and are rich in Omega-3 & 6 fatty acids;  Miso is high in protein and contains many trace minerals, including zinc, manganese, and copper, which help strengthen the immune system; the high amount of nutrients present in miso helps boost energy, too!  Shiitake mushrooms reduce cholesterol and they are a formidable cancer fighter, as well. 

The trick is to also keep the noodles separate until adding to each individual bowl of soup.  If the noodles are allowed to mingle with the entire pot of soup they'll soak up the broth like a hungry tapeworm and you'll be left with a big, heavy, soggy mess, not even worthy of your dog's bowl.

OK, back to the booze!  My biggest challenge beyond the boredom is staying focused on my FEELINGS about all this alcohol business and I must admit, I've been quite lazy about checking in with myself lately.  I will sit on my couch around cocktail hour and wonder if my thought of a drink is a craving or habit.  Physically, I am usually not pining for a drink nor do I get cranky if one isn't in short reach, but I eventually roll around to, "I want a drink...I want a drink."  I feel like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, who wanted everything from an Oompa-Loompa to a nut-sorting squirrel, the only difference, I want everything from champagne to, well, champagne!

Week 18 starts today and I promise to explore my feelings and perhaps even my feeling's feelings.

Before naltrexone:  42-50 units per week • Week 1:  18units • Week 2:  32units • Week: 3:  39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6:  25units • Week 7:  27units • Week 8:  28units • Week 9:  34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10:  42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12:  39 units • Week 13:  42units   • Week 14: 35.5units  • Week 15: 37units  • Week 16: 31units  • Week 17:  35 units